Benji pulls Paris away before she scratches her name into the side of someone’s car

Rumour has it that hotel heiress Paris Hilton was recently banned from a Hyatt hotel in Moscow. Hilton allegedly wrote Paris Moscow 2008 on the wall of her suite while staying at the Hyatt. Unfortunately for Paris, the Hyatt does not look kindly upon their expensive wallpaper being graffitied by useless celebrities. Paris was fined nine grand and banned for life. Seriously, couldn’t she have just as easily written that on a bathroom stall wall and saved herself the money? I’m just surprised she didn’t write Call Firecrotch Lohan for a good time. Why can’t Paris be like other celebrities and get banned from a hotel for throwing a tv off the balcony?

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Does this look like the type of girl who would star in a home sex tape? Ignore the stain on her dress.

Last week, the infamous Lohan/Calum Best sex tape surfaced to the internet masses. After much debate, it was confirmed that the tape was, indeed, a fake. However, it appears that Lindsay was the last to know, as Linds was overheard bellowing over Calum Best’s voicemail:

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Lohan in jeans? Has hell frozen over? Next we’ll be seeing Samantha Ronson in a dress

Here’s Lindsay Lohan, out and about again with her lesbian BFF, Samantha Ronson. Lohan hanging out with Ronson means one thing: She’s on drugs again. Or she’s a lesbian again, but I bet it’s drugs. Or both. I guess we’ll just have to wait until Lohan ends up passed out in a car at a gas station again to find out.

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Paris: “Benji, what colour are my eyes?” Benji: “Nipple?”

Here’s Paris Hilton at a club in Las Vegas with her boy of the mintute, Benji Madden. Don’t they look cute? Benji staring at Paris’ boobs, Paris loving it because she’s dead inside and lives off of the attention of others. Paris was recently seen wearing a diamond encrusted ring that says BM on her engagement finger. People are speculating that it may be an engagement ring, but I think it’s just Paris and Benji whoring out their fake relationship for attention in the tabloids. And it’s working.

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Here’s Lindsay Lohan leaving a dinner date with her mom, Dina and sister, Ali. Linds looks like she was going for the “Goth Ski Bunny” look. Wearing the remains of a dead crow and leggings that look as though they would cause Linds to fly down a toboggan hill on her ass at the speed of light, Lindsay exited the restaurant with a white stain on her shirt. I guess that joke writes itself.

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Another day, more Britney gossip. This time, it seems she’s running out of money. Rumour has it that Britney’s finances are quickly dwindling, due to her excessive spending. Who knew cheetos and frappuccinos could have such an effect on a pop star’s riches?

Britney has had so much success in the past that it’s hard to believe that she could be running out of money. And didn’t she just release a new album? Where did it all go? Methinks most of Britney’s money went into the pockets of meth dealers, Starbucks and Kevin Federline. What a waste.

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Paris Hilton was spotted flaunting a new ring the other day. It was allegedly given to her by brand new boyfriend, Benji Madden. Benji is of course one half of Good Charlotte’s Madden brothers. Brother Joel is engaged to - and is the baby papa of - Paris’ ex best friend/reconciled best friend, Nicole Richie. Jesus, it’s Young Hollywood Sex Degrees of Separation, here.

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Britney Spears seems to love boots. I see photos of her parading around in different boots all the time. She likely has a whole closet full of boots, which I imagine would be located next to her room full of flip-flops, which is next to the room full of cheetos (that are probably ground up to a fine powder and divided into lines). However, I’m not sure that someone with the mental instability of Brit Brit should be allowed to use and abuse boots at her will. Why? Because something like this will happen:

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Here’s Mariah Carey looking, as usual, like a hooker. What better way to attract patrons to your street corner by wearing bright red fire engines on your feet?

There’s been rumours recently about Mimi’s alleged drug use - that she apparently uses cocaine. I’m about as shocked by that as I was by Kate Moss’ cocaine use. Rich and famous people using coke?! You don’t say. Next they’ll try to tell me that George Michael is gay and the pope is Catholic.

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