Argh, matey. Bad fashion off the starboard bow!

Yes, what you are seeing is correct. You’re not looking through some swashbuckling whiskey-goggles at Disneyland. The DKNY Charle is indeed, a pirate boot.

Apparently, Donna Karan has seen Pirates of the Caribbean a few too many times. Or she’s on a quest to steal my booty via ugly footwear, I’m not sure. Either way, it’s a bad idea.

This boot looks like the aborted results of a riding boot’s one night stand with some dirty, rum and vomit scented swashbuckler.

Since the explosion of the Pirates movie, pirate inspired fashion trends have been rapidly emerging. Pirate do-rags and chunky gold accessories resembling pirate booty have been all the rage recently, much to my dismay. Why would anyone want to look like barbaric, thieving seamen with fetishes for tacky jewellery, oversized hats and parrots?

Johnny Depp, who portrayed Captain Jack Sparrow in the Pirates movie, apparently based his character’s distinct pirate look on Keith Richards. This is the question I pose to all those neo-pirates out there: Have you people actually seen Keith Richards?

How about Captain Hook, then?

Now, if Johnny Depp were to wear these boots, I wouldn’t mind so much because I would be undressing him with my eyes anyway. However, there should be some kind of law forbidding anyone else from adorning these fashion monstrosities. Before you decide to adorn the Charle, may I suggest that you think of that Seinfeld episode with the puffy shirt, in which Jerry exclaims, “But I don’t wanna be a pirate!”

I don’t want to be a pirate either. The fashion is apparently as bad as the scurvy inducing diet. However, if you’re looking for a stylish boot with cuff details, check out the Kenneth Cole Reaction Keep Away boot. It has a fashionable, modest cuff and none of that excessive, gaudy tie detailing at the back:

And by the way, to pirate fans out there, in the ongoing pirate vs. ninja battle, ninjas will probably win and everyone who ever cared in the first place will soak in their own salty, lameness. Besides, we all know that in the end, robots will dominate them both, without having to wear any shoes at all.

Compare prices for stylish cuffed boots:

Tags: boots, dkny, donna karan, johnny depp, kenneth cole

Posted: Nov 29th, 2007 at 8:53 pm