Do you remember when Gwen Stefani was just a girl who sang for No Doubt?

The girl who would flail around stage randomly in skin tight, leopard print capris and running shoes, looking like some kind of drunken pixie?

The Gwen who was followed around by her Gwennabies, and looked ridiculous in her blue hair and plastic Tragic Kingdom dress - but we loved her anyway, because she was so cute and spunky. Besides, she was a singer, not a fashion designer! Who cared what she wore, as long as she sang “Spiderwebs” for the encore.

Well, twelve years after the release of No Doubt’s breakthrough album, Tragic Kingdom, Gwen is still walking in the spiderwebs. She went solo, traded her Gwennabies for Harajuku Girls and decided to shock and horrify the world with her own vanity fashion label, L.A.M.B.

Now, I’ve browsed a lot of the L.A.M.B. designs, and I can’t say that I hate it all.

However, I do vehemently hate these.

And these.

And these:

This is the L.A.M.B. Love Boot, which appears to be the bastard child of the classic Puma and a wrestling shoe. These boots will get you noticed - for looking like your feet are in two fugly, straight jackets.

The Love Boot, like many of the other L.A.M.B. styles, features a lot of excessive ties and buckles - and possibly crack, seeing as that’s the only way I could fathom someone designing something like these.

In other words, it’s just too much. It will overwhelm your whole look - after you spend three hours tying them up. I understand that L.A.M.B. styles are supposed to be excessive - just like Gwen Stefani prancing around stage, wearing suspenders and scarves and giant belt buckles. This is the problem with the vanity fashion label - it promotes a celebrity’s look for the sake of self-endorsement, as oppose to legitimately producing stylish clothes for their audience. It’s about promotion, not fashion, or art.

I am not Gwen Stefani, and neither are you. Unless you actually are Gwen, or possibly fashion chameleon Kate Moss, this look just doesn’t work.

I’m not trying to pick on Gwen. She’s still cute and spunky. She’s a damn foxy mom. And not many people can pull off Vivienne Westwood the way she can. But Gwen, stick to wearing the hot fashions, not designing them - because these shoes make me want to plan my Sweet Escape.

Compare prices for stylish L.A.M.B. shoes (they do exist!):

Tags: boots, gwen stefani, kate moss, l.a.m.b., vanity labels

Posted: Nov 26th, 2007 at 10:52 pm